Fruitful Thursday: Essence of Self

One of my favorite home collectibles is my blue and white glass egg. It gives me the impression of how fragile life is in its beginning, middle, and ending stages. We are all as glass flowing in the wind of life’s eternal bliss.

Eternal bliss causes me to think of a piece I wrote some time ago when I wanted to leave this earth behind.

Am I bliss? How can I be in a world I won’t truly miss. Where is the taste for love when all I feel is hate? One day my soul is at peace another at war. How can I chase the shattered glass I bore. I don’t know bliss and I never will. For life for me must cease.

Yes, when I wrote that I wanted to die. I wanted this world to end no matter the cost or consequence. I could not find another way during those tragedies. Of course, my family had to intervene.

After years of medication and therapy, I asked myself one simple question. What is my essence equal to? I wanted to take a deep dive into the existence of myself. Where was I on this planet we call home? What was my mark? How did my existence matter? What had I done to shape the sands of time?

I needed to answer those questions. I needed to understand that my very existence was my true essence. I had a choice to make. I could free myself or continue in my imprisonment of self-hate. The fact was I hated me. That is why I could never answer those questions. If I hated me, who could I love?

The truth was I did not want to be me. I did not want to be the girl who comes from a murdered father and drug-addicted mother who died when I was eight. I did not want to be the girl who was rapped and ripped from innocence. I did not want to be the girl who drank herself into the depths of oblivion just to forget. I did not want to be the girl who could do nothing right. I did not want to be the girl who felt despised by all.

How could I be more? Even as a wife and a mother, I wanted more. How could I be more than my very existence? I could not change my past. But I was responsible for my future. I had a choice to make before it was too late.

As pieces of glass and glitter, I began to flow into the very challenge that was me. I did not cause those horrible actions. I was given the chance to live. Now, I must take the hand I was dealt and choose to live.

That choice is oftentimes difficult to make. We want life to be pixies and fairy dust. The truth is, it is only what we make of it. We must ask ourselves, what gives us meaning? What is the essence of self?

I just answered that question last year. The essence for me is the glory of a free spirit. A spirit in the wind that can rome about making the impossible seem sane. A spirit that changes with life moving in directions of endless abilities. Placing that free spirit inside of me caused a check my own abilities. I HAD SELF WORTH. MY ESSENCE WAS PURE. I WAS WORTH LOVING AND LIVING.

I would place one foot in front of the other and fly. No matter what my essence is pure. Now I can focus on healing and moving forward. I can focus on being a wife, mother, and friend. If you are lost in a pit of sand, grab hold to but a tiny gran and take one step at a time to your true self. Feel your worth as sure as the sun shines. Battle your demons as a master swordsman. Give yourself a fighting chance, and before long you will dance.

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